War of Words: Long distance dating–is it worth it?

[Drew]

Oct 08, 2008 03:35 PM
Will Johnson & Gemma Karstens-Smith

It was bound to happen. With a ratio of three girls for every guy, it was inevitable that UVic women would start looking elsewhere for love.

But these days it seems like everyone is holding a candle for someone far, far away. Whether it’s stemming from Vancouver, Calgary, or Istanbul, these long-distance relationships take quite a toll.

Two Martleteers square off on whether or not long-distance dating is really worth all the trouble.

Will Johnson:

I will never have a long-distance relationship again.

When I was 16, I met a blue-haired beauty at bible camp. I had it bad, following her around like a whipped dog.

When she agreed to date me, I could hardly believe my luck. Trouble was she lived in a different province.

We made it seven months, and sure, talking on the phone and writing love letters was pretty fun.

But ultimately, we were living in different worlds. When we broke up (though I would’ve had trouble admitting it at the time), I barely knew her.

Sure, we’d shared secrets and talked endlessly about our feelings. But we’d never gone on dates, we’d never met each other’s friends, we’d never learned the little details of each others’ lives.

The few times we flew back and forth to visit, it was almost like meeting a stranger.

Relationships at UVic may not be that extreme, but they still have their down sides.

The ferry doesn’t seem like a big deal at first, but when you start traveling back every weekend or two, it really starts to wear you down.

Sure, it’s nice to not have a significant other around while you’re trying to focus on studying or homework, but that can distract you in other ways. It’s no fun to be wondering what your boy/girlfriend is doing at home.

Are they meeting someone else? Are they cheating on you? Are they forgetting about you?

Why not just agree to be together when you’re together, and to not when you’re not?

Gemma Karstens-Smith:

Because when you really like someone, not being together isn’t an option.

I said I would never do long-distance again. My first long-distance relationship was a disaster. But looking back, I think it was the relationship that was the disaster, not the distance.

The long-distance relationship I’m in now isn’t perfect, but it works. We’re both full-time students with part-time jobs, so we probably wouldn’t see each other that much more even if we did live in the same city.

And this way, we don’t take each other for granted. When you’re in a relationship and you see each other all the time, it’s easy to fall into a rut. You hang out with the same people, watch the same TV shows together and go to the same restaurants.

But in a good long-distance relationship, you’re always excited to see each other because that anticipation’s been building for as many seconds as you’ve been apart. While you’ve been counting down the days until you’re back together, you’ve been making plans to best spend your limited time.

I’ll admit that my relationship is distracting, but I’d say that it’s less so than any other I’ve been in. Yes, I wonder what he’s doing while I’m trying to study, but not because I’m worried that he’s meeting someone or cheating on me or forgetting me. I trust him.

Long-distance relationships are a huge test of trust, which I think makes them that much stronger.

Will Johnson:

I never said it was impossible. All kinds of people have long-distance relationships, and a lot of the time they work out fine.

But why bother?

To me, it just seems like a unnecessary strain. Why uselessly tempt fate? The odds are against you, and is it really worth the risk that someone will get hurt?

Best case scenario: somewhere along the line the two of you are reunited. Worst case scenario: someone decides to end it, leaving the other person wondering why they wasted their time.

We all see how much people change over the course of their university career. When you come out the other side, will your significant other even recognize you? Will you recognize them?

The fact of the matter is, when you’re dating someone who lives far away you’re not growing together, you’re growing apart.

Gemma Karstens-Smith:

Even when you’re dating someone in the same city, you can end up growing apart.

Being in close proximity to someone doesn’t mean you’ll stay the same forever.

All relationships risk someone getting hurt, all relationships tempt fate. A long distance relationship isn’t really any more dangerous to your heart than dating in general.

Is the best-case scenario when you’re living in the same city any different than in a long-distance relationship?

With all the talking you do in long-distance relationships, you’re constantly learning about one another. You talk about everything, whether it matters or not. All that talking gives you a chance to see changes that you might not witness if you see someone everyday. You also get a chance to talk about what really is going on, whether those changes are deal-breakers or not.

Whether it’s a long-distance relationship or not, it’s not going to work out if the people aren’t compatible. Just because people are good together now doesn’t mean that they will be six months or a year from now.

People change, especially when you’re 20-something.

Living a million miles away isn’t going to change that — not for the good, and not for the bad.